Each day we wake up empty and afraid.
Occasionally, as tonight, I have trouble sleeping. There’s nothing like a good night’s sleep to give you faith, hope, and courage to meet the day. There’s nothing like a bad night’s sleep to fill the mind with demons who hack your arms and legs off.
As I roll this way and that, the demon I have whispers these things to me:
Now you are going to have a bad day. Nothing you do will amount to much today. But then, nothing you ever do amounts to much. You are one of nine billion fools fretting your hour away. You strut like a peacock but nobody is watching. Nobody is ever really watching.
It goes on and on, a form of grandiosity, as the extent of my worthlessness is colossal. I have blown every opportunity! The waste of my life stretches from here to Saturn! My successes are so small they cannot be seen even with an electron microscope!
When Nick wakes up empty and alone in the middle of the night, he has a simple solution. He makes his way to our bed, nestles between us, and falls to sleep. It’s a long story, but Nora and I have always believed that if we meet Nick’s dependency needs, he’ll outgrow them. Lately, I’m not sure. What I mean is that I’m sure someday he’ll stop burrowing between us. I’m just not sure that he’ll have outgrown his needs. Maybe he’ll quit burrowing because a demon he inherits from me will have told him to stop acting like a fool.
Or maybe my demon is just making conversation.